


The Wicked Tour; Brendon's Fall

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, M/M, Pray For The Wicked, Pray For The Wicked era, Ryden, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-04-24 06:01:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14349423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Oh dear Brendon, what are you doing? *face palms*I’m thinking of updating every Tuesday and Saturday. I hope that’s good for you guys?Also, I have another note that you might find reassuring... Ryan will be coming into the fic incase you get a little confused, but good things come to those who wait, so please be patient with me!Love you all; thanks for reading.-Nicole xx





	1. Chapter 1

Brendon sucked in a breath. “Ken, I’m going to be real with you, this is the first time I’ve ever felt anxious for a tour,” he confessed when it was just the two of them walking back from the restroom at the service station.

 

“Really? You feel anxious? Do you know why?” Kenny asked.

 

Brendon swallowed. “Like, my hands are fucking sweating and my heart is racing.”

 

“Hey man, do you wanna like… go somewhere before we go back to the bus? Like somewhere to calm down? I know from the last few times that you don’t like small spaces and lots of people when you’re anxious, so how about we go somewhere you can take a breather first?”

 

Brendon thought about it and nodded. “Yeah, I think I need that.”

 

Kenny patted his back and said, “Right, let’s get outside and we can sit by the back of the building where nobody else is.”

 

The two of them walked past the coffee shops and fast food take-away stores and then through the automatic double doors, out into the sticky August sun. The tour bus was parked quite far away, so they didn’t have to worry about Zack asking in his intimidating (but deep down harmless) voice, “Where the fuck are you two going?”

 

Once they reached the back of the building, Brendon sighed and sat himself down on an empty crate blocking a fire exit. Kenny followed suit, sitting himself on a crate in front of Brendon, biting his lip, think of what the best thing would be to say. He didn’t exactly understand the gravity of the situation and what Brendon was feeling, therefore he decided to ask a few questions. “Have you been anxious for the tour for a while or is it just now you’re feeling it?” he asked.

 

Brendon rubbed his eyes and sighed. “The second I got on that bus today, I put down my bag in my bunk and I swear to fucking god, I just felt like something was missing. I don’t know what it is. I searched through my bag _countless_ times, but I think the feeling means a little bit more than that. I think it has some sort of… deeper meaning. I don’t know what it is, but the feeling is there and it is so real.

 

“It reminds me of when I was little. I’ve probably told you this story before, but when I was a kid, I used to call it the umbilical chord theory. I used to tell my mom that if I was away from her for too long, it felt like the umbilical chord was stretching and that tension would make me feel sick. I’d get these crazy stomach aches from stress and anxiety, which I would later learn, and that’s what it feels like now. But, the thing is, it feels like I’m being pulled away from something that I have no idea of. God, Kenny, I’m so sorry I just made you listen to that.” Brendon sighed and placed his head in his hands.

 

“No, no! Don’t be sorry silly! That was adorable.” Kenny patted Brendon’s knee. “Hey, maybe you’ll figure it out soon. Just take it easy and enjoy the tour. You’ve honestly got nothing to worry about. Tour life is the easy life because our manager has basically planned out the next two months of our lives for us and all we have to do is just get out there and perform, which I _know_ you love doing.”

 

Brendon lifted his head from his hands and gave Kenny an appreciative smile. “Thanks Kenny. I’ve got a lot of love for you, bro. Let’s go back now.”

 

The two of them got up from the crates and headed back for the the bus. Brendon may have taken Kenny’s words into his stride a little, but an ink black ghost lingered, leaning his arms on Brendon’s shoulders, dragging the bottom of his body against the path as Brendon led the way.


	2. Chapter 2

The first day of travelling; the first show. “Minneapolis, how are you sexy people doing?” Brendon called out to the crowd as he joined the band on stage, resulting in an eruption of shouting and screaming. He couldn’t help but smile. “That’s what I like to hear.”

And with that, Kenny played them into to Say Amen and they whizzed through the setlist as if time became a tiny nickel.

“Damn, that went fast!” Nicole exclaimed as the band came off stage.

“It always does the first few nights, I guess,” Brendon smiled and replied to her.

“True,” she said, picking up her beer she left from earlier. She took a swig of it and pulled a face at how flat it had gone.

Brendon laughed, “here, let me get you another one.” He passed her a fresh bottle from the mini-fridge and a bottle opener.

“Oh, I won’t be needing that,” she said and proceeded to open it with her teeth.

Brendon’s eyes widened with impressment. “You’re literally the coolest chick I’ve ever met,” he said.

Tucking her hair behind her ear, Nicole laughed, “thanks.”

Nicole was an extremely talented bassist. In fact, she was one of the first recommended to Brendon when he was looking for a replacement for Dallon. That was a name he hadn’t heard in quite a while.

He went back into the mini-fridge and got out a bottle of Vodka. He’d been drinking beer and coffee all day and now it was time for the real shit. At first, he had a few glasses of Vodka and lemonade, but as the night progressed, he found himself dancing around the tour bus to 90s R&B, drinking straight from the bottle.

“I WANNA GET LAIDDDD!” Brendon screamed and poured a bottle of champagne over his head.

“Woah woah woah, Bren, hey, stop,” Zack said and took the bottle from him.

“You’re no fun.” Brendon pouted.

“Cleaning up this shit is no fun either. When I first met you, you were nothing like this. You were throwing fruit in a shower because you didn’t want to make a mess,” Zack said.

“Whateverrr,” Brendon slurred, leaning on Zack’s shoulder and kissing him on the cheek. Nicole snickered in the corner and decided to pull Brendon off of Zack and rescue the poor guy, despite how adorable she found it.

Zack thanked Nicole and sat down. “Look, dude,” Zack continued talking to Brendon, “I get it, it’s the first night of tour, but you’re going to regret it in the morning. I’m just saying.”

“Just _say_ whatever you want then, Zack.” Brendon trailed into a singing voice, “I’m having a party!”

Zack sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear Brendon, what are you doing? *face palms*
> 
> I’m thinking of updating every Tuesday and Saturday. I hope that’s good for you guys?
> 
> Also, I have another note that you might find reassuring... Ryan will be coming into the fic incase you get a little confused, but good things come to those who wait, so please be patient with me!
> 
> Love you all; thanks for reading.
> 
> -Nicole xx


	3. Chapter 3

Sat on the bus couches was the whole band (excluding Brendon) and a few roadies. Nicole and Dan were playing Fortnite against each other on the Xbox, meanwhile the rest of them sat around, scrolling through their phones.

 

“Is Brendon still asleep?” Kenny asked aloud to everyone.

 

“Yeah,” Dan replied without taking his eyes off the screen, he added, “he was still asleep when I got up, not too long ago. You might want to wake him up; it’s getting late.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll go do that,” Kenny said. Carefully walking down the aisle of the bus, he scanned the bunks, not too familiar with who was sleeping where yet. He saw the one bed with the curtain closed and gently pulled the curtain, revealing Brendon curled up, biting his finger, fast asleep with last night’s clothes on.

 

“Brendon,” Kenny said softly, pulling the boy’s finger from his mouth. “Wake up, dude.”

 

Brendon grunted and uncurled his body. Kenny stepped back a little and allowed him to wake up. Once he was fully awake, he sighed and threw the covers over his head.

 

“We’ve got an interview in an hour, man. You might want to get changed,” Kenny told him as nicely as he could, treading on eggshells around him slightly. Brendon stretched and gave him a small lopsided smile before getting out and heading to the back room of the bus to change. That back room was the one place of privacy you could ever be sure to get on tour and the privacy didn’t exactly last long when you had someone banging on the door, telling you _they_ needed to get changed or some shit.

 

Walking down the aisle between the two tight bus walls, the straining of his neck hit him. Closing the door, the tension in his knuckles grew. All his limbs felt sticky. His body felt stuck.

 

He slowly pulled off his pants.

 

_I am the shadow. I am the weight._

He started unbuttoning his shirt.

 

_Whatever’s on my back is what I truly am. Whatever’s on my back is what I am missing. Whatever’s on my back is eating up the void that I am and maybe it’s for the best._

He pulled off his shirt.

 

_The black ghost and I are separate; however, we are the same. He is part me and I am part him. We go hand in hand._

_He needs to chew me up and swallow me down, in order for me to be full._

He stood in his boxers, staring endlessly into the mirror. “Left your fucking clothes in the bag,” he muttered to himself. He walked all the way back through to the other side of the bus where they kept the suitcases.  On his way, he walked past the band, receiving a cat call from Dan, to which he somehow managed to return a tired wink.

 

In the next room with all the food was Zack. _Big fucking surprise._ Brendon kept his head low and gritted his teeth, trying to avoid conversation, but that simply provoked Zack to chuckle at him and say, “Hungover? To the point you won’t socialise?”

 

Brendon’s heart grew heavy and harsh, pumping against his chest. He slowly lifted his head that became heavier by the second, skull turning to stone. Tears grew in his eyes. He fought them. He clenched his fists and he fought them too harshly, snapping, “Why don’t you just _shut_ the _fuck_ up.” After his outburst, he didn’t even wait for Zack’s reaction; he just turned around and continued to the suitcases, wiping his eyes and clenching his fists.

 

_Chew me up. Swallow me down. I need to be full._

For the rest of the day and the rest of the night, Brendon avoided all eye contact with everyone and shut himself off from everyone, excluding a few hushed whispers to Kenny, telling him that he’s okay and that he’ll deal with Zack later, just not now. No, Brendon can’t right now.

 

Brendon couldn’t breathe. The backroom of the bus. The private room. The sacred room. Brendon felt suffocated in it. They’d finished the show and returned straight back for the tour bus like the responsible band that they were.

 

He took a swig of Vodka from the bottle and leaned back against the wall. He’d been in there for an hour already, staring at the wall, ruminating, marinating in the black smoke spirit surrounding him. But there was another idea clawing at his mind for a way to spend his time in there. Oh Lord, did he try to bury it. Up in that head of his, he had a shovel, and he dug away at piles of dirt to cover it from himself. But Lord knows that Vodka washes everything away.

 

With his shaking hands, Brendon picked up his phone. He placed his thumb on the button and unlocked it. He went into contacts. He chose his contact. He took a shuddery breath. He hit call.

 

The ringing. Oh _God_ , the ringing. The most nerve provoking sound known to man.

 

The silence on the other line when the call has been answered is even heavier.

 

“D-Dallon?”

 

“ _Brendon?_ Are you kidding me?” Dallon was almost speechless. “Brendon, I don’t even know what to say to you,” he said sourly.

 

“So don’t say anything. Come back. Even if it’s not to the band, just come back into my life,” Brendon said sharply. He tried to sound confident, but he was more so desperate.

 

“ _Come back into your life,”_ Dallon repeated slowly in disbelief.

 

“Yes.” Brendon vigorously nodded, aware Dallon couldn’t see him.

 

“You told me to leave because _our_ fans that _we_ gained together still appreciated me as a member after you demoted me.”

 

“Oh okay, Mr. Big Ego. I wouldn’t say you _gained_ fans. Just remember how this all started. Me, Spencer, Ryan. Jon too, really. Not you. No, that’s why you had to leave. You weren’t there from the start, so it was barely Panic! At The Disco anymore, was it? Look, don’t you dare come crying to me that—”

 

“I believe _you_ called _me_ , actually,” Dallon interrupted. “And you know for a fact that I don’t have a big ego, so you need to get the fuck off of whatever drugs you’re on right now and get your act together. It’s not often that I swear, so do take this as warning that I will not tolerate being walked all over by you any longer. Delete my number already and good night.” Dallon hung up.

 

Brendon sucked in a breath and bit his lip, ready for the raging fire to light inside him, but nothing came. He just felt numb.

 

_It chewed me up. It swallowed me down. But I am so far from full._

_I’m empty._

Brendon lifelessly dropped the bottle on the floor, Vodka spilling all over, and headed to his bunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly really proud of this chapter, so I hope you guys like it too. I'd just like to put it out there that this fic does not reflect my views on the actual people that this story features. I honestly love everyone even associated with the band and have no reason not to. This is simply for entertainment purposes and I'm sure you all totally get that, but I'm just saying it to be on the safe side, haha!
> 
> Again, this IS a Ryden fic; not Brallon.
> 
> Okay now I'm going to actually leave now and stop wasting your time with my overthinking and possibly unnecessary disclaimers. Thanks for the kudos! (or should I say: 'thnks fr th kds"? (no I absolutely should not))
> 
> \- Nicole xx


	4. Chapter 4

Every day felt the same when he was sober. Every night felt like a spark of excitement when he was drunk out of his mind. Brendon hadn’t smoked weed in a long time; not since the start of the tour. He knew he was acting out of character but thought that perhaps this was just what he was destined to become.

 

He didn’t know what day of the week or month or year it was, but it didn’t matter. He sat alone in the dressing room and held his phone up with the tips of his fingers. He was shaking, but he wasn’t drunk. No, not yet. He hadn’t been turned down yet.

 

As he clicked the green call button, he gulped. A tear threatened to roll down his cheek, but no, not yet. Brendon took a long deep breath, breathing in through his nose and out from his mouth, as Kenny told him to do. It seemed to work.

 

Ryan answered the call. “Hello? Uh, who is this?” he asked.

 

Brendon smacked the phone against his chest, covering the microphone. “Oh my _god,_ ” he whispered to himself. “Oh my fucking _god,”_ he repeated. The sound of that fucking voice brought everything back to him. He lost control and started sobbing. This was the hardest he’d cried all month on this damn tour.

 

“Uh, um, hello?” the man repeated.

 

Oh god, the “um”s and “uh”s. Ryan hadn’t even fucking changed. Brendon breathed a tiny laugh and fell back into sobs. “Ryan,” Brendon said through tears.

 

“Please tell me who this is?” Ryan asked softly and wearily.

 

“It’s… it’s Brendon,” he managed. Ryan was silent. Slowly, Brendon calmed the crying and it faded into more so the odd jittery gasp of breath.

 

“Brendon, as in, _Brendon?”_

 

He laughed and sniffed, “yeah. Brendon from, you know, that stupid band you used to be in.”

 

“Wow,” Ryan replied breathlessly, trying to take it all in. “Hold on, why were you crying? Oh God, did you get into some kind of freak accident or something? Brendon, what’s going on?” Ryan’s speech sped up along with his breathing.

 

“No, no, no, it’s okay, I’m f—” Brendon stopped.

 

Silence hung in the millions of miles of air between them.

 

“You’re not fine, are you?” Ryan asked in a low quiet voice.

 

A lump grew in Brendon’s throat. “No.”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“I remember when you used to have to ask me that all the time,” Brendon said.

 

Ryan didn’t know what to say back to that, so he said nothing and waited for Brendon to say something else.

 

“God, I remember. This past month I forgot what it feels like to be loved.”

 

“Hey, look, I’m sure you’re loved.”

 

“No. I’m not so sure.”

 

More silence. Brendon was okay with this silence.

 

“Ryan…” he started, “… _come back_ ,” he said with his whole heart.

 

“Um, excuse me,” Kenny snapped. Brendon dropped his phone and turned to Kenny. “What the fuck. What the actual fuck.”

 

Brendon stuttered, “Wh—"

 

“No,” Kenny interrupted him. “You are not fucking replacing me. How? How could you ask Ryan back? After all the time we’ve spent touring together and after all the shit that I’ve helped you through.”

 

“Oh my god, Kenny, no! That’s not what this is!” Brendon exclaimed.

 

“Tell me what the fuck it is then,” he said, throwing his hands in the air.

 

“Kenny, I _miss_ Ryan, but he’s not coming back. I didn’t ask him to come back; not to the band, anyway. I miss him as a _person_. I want him to come back into my life and I’m not going to hide it any longer.” Brendon ran his hands through his hair. “I need Ryan to know that I fucking love him because I’m not going to bury over this feeling any longer. We’ve been away from each other for nine years and I still can’t put my feelings for him to sleep. Sure, they rested when I distracted myself with Dallon, but you and I know that Dallon was nothing but a drunk mistake that I ended up living up to for way too long. I need Ryan back, but I also need you. Nothing is changing. And anyways, going by how shit my life is at the moment, Ryan won’t even reciprocate the feelings,” Brendon ended numbly.

 

“Okay, shit, I’m sorry. I’ll let you finish your call. I think he’s, um, still on the line,” Kenny said and gave Brendon an awkward look.

 

As he looked down at the phone on the floor, the realisation dawned upon him. “Fuck.”

 

Kenny patted his shoulder and left the room to give him some privacy.

 

He picked up the phone and asked, “are you still there?”

 

“Uh, yeah, I am, sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” Brendon said. “So, you… heard what I said?” he asked, looking down at his feet as his shifted on them.

 

“Yeah, I heard.”

 

“Okay,” he replied. “Okay, you heard,” he repeated in a faint whisper.

 

“I miss you too,” Ryan said quietly.

 

“Oh my god, you do?” Brendon asked back in the same quietness.

 

“I do and what you said was really sweet, minus the, uh, you know, Dallon part,” he chuckled softly.

 

“Oh yeah, that wasn’t too sweet,” Brendon sighed.

 

“Hey, head up Bren. I know it’s hard, but you made it through it when we were teens, so there’s no way that you can’t make it through it now. How about we meet up some time?”

 

“Oh god, I’d love that,” Brendon said.

 

“I’m not busy at all this week, so when is up to you.”

 

He bit his lip. “Ah, there’s a slight catch. I’m kind of on tour right now.”

 

“Seriously? Are you kidding?”

 

“I know, it sucks, but please, we have to meet. I need to see you.”

 

“I can’t! You’re literally going to be in a new state every day.”

 

“No, you can’t do this. I can’t. I’m actually going to wake up dead tomorrow if I can’t see you. Please Ryan, please,” he begged on the verge of tears.

 

“Fine. Where are you tomorrow?” Ryan asked.

 

“Okay, oh god, right, I’m in Ohio tomorrow, but in two days I’m in LA. You still live in LA, right?”

 

“Yeah, I do. So I’ll see you then? What venue?”

 

“Staples Center,” Brendon replied.

 

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

 

“Please be there.”

 

“I promise I will. Now if I hang up this phone, will you be safe?”

 

“I promise.”

 

“Okay, see you tomorrow then,” Ryan said.

 

“Bye.”

 

The call ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually almost cried whilst writing this chapter, not going to lie. Okay, that was a lie. I cried.
> 
> Ryan's here now! I can hear you sighing with relief. Haha.
> 
> -Nicole xx


	5. Chapter 5

Sat rocking with his knees to his chest, Brendon spewed his panic out to Kenny in the private room of the bus. “I didn’t think this through. Ryan’s going to be seen. The fans outside will see him and the news will spread like wildfire. Kenny, I can’t do this. No. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.”

 

Kenny placed his hand on Brendon’s knee as he always did and spoke to him calmly and with the certainty that Brendon was lacking. “Brendon. Listen,” he said. “We can speak to Zack and figure out a way around the situation where you can meet Ryan without being seen. There’s plenty of ways around it. Seriously, the dude lives in LA! I promise it’ll all be fine; you’re just panicking right now because your anxiety is taking over. You’re thinking irrationally. Remember that this is the disorder talking and not the truth. Now, slow your breathing and your head will follow.”

 

Brendon swallowed and nodded. Kenny really knew his shit and he really knew what he was talking about. Interrupting his fast and irregular breaths, Brendon closed his eyes and inhaled slowly and deeply.

 

Exhaling, he opened his eyes. “Okay,” he sighed, “I’m okay. Let’s talk to Zack.”

 

“Okay, great. You got through that really well,” Kenny reassured him as they stood up.

 

 _Maybe a little too well. Don’t be blinded by the light,_ the black figure warned him.

 

Brendon shook it off.

 

Kenny furrowed his brows at him. “You good?” he asked.

 

“I’m good.”

 

Kenny nodded with pursed lips and opened the door, allowing Brendon out first. He then closed the door behind them and they continued through the bus. Down the corridor, down past the bunks and into the sofa area. Zack was sat on one of the sofas with the rest of the crew, meanwhile looking down at his phone with a bear in his hand. Exchanging glances, Brendon and Kenny had just came to the realisation that Zack is going to _know_ about Ryan. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Kenny whispered. Brendon nodded adamantly. He had to do this.

 

“Zack?” Brendon said with a voice crack. “Fuck,” he whispered to nobody in particular.

 

“Yeah?” Zack replied.

 

Brendon started biting at his nails. “Can I talk to you in private?” he asked, almost wincing at his own words.

 

“Yeah sure,” Zack said and stood up.

 

They walked to the private room in a daunting silence – one that had never before been shared between the two of them. Brendon _never_ felt awkward and neither did Zack. Brendon _never_ stopped talking and neither did Zack. In this past month on the road, their once indestructible friendship had been drowned in Brendon’s desperate Whiskey and Vodka flavoured attempt at anti-depressants.

 

Brendon closed the door. Looking towards the floor, he scratched the back of his neck and began, “So, you know… Ryan…”

 

“Wow, I haven’t heard that name in a long time,” Zack said.

 

“Yeah. Too long. Zack, I need to see him. I _am_ seeing him, actually. I called him and we had a bit of a heart to heart, I guess, and we agreed to meet up today, seeing as we’re in LA.”

 

“Wow,” Zack said and nodded. “And… are you sure that’s what you need right now?”

 

“I need it more than anything in the fucking world. My life is falling apart. I need something. I think this is that something.”

 

“I understand. Just don’t go getting your heart broken, dude. Looking at how you’ve been lately, I don’t think you can cope with that, so be careful.”

 

At first, Brendon stopped to consider whether Zack was making a dig at Ryan, but maybe not everyone has bad intentions. The only reason Zack would have to be bitter right now is Brendon’s behaviour, but going by what Zack had just said, he seemed to actually understand that this wasn’t Brendon being a trashy drunk rockstar and that there was some depth to everything going on lately. Until then, Zack hadn’t really showed any signs that he cared in the slightest bit or even _understood._ Snapping out of his gaze into nothing, Brendon looked up at Zack for the first time in a long time. “Why have you been avoiding me?” he asked.

 

“I’m not avoiding you, Brendon. I’m giving you space because you’ve made it seem like that’s what you want. Am I wrong in thinking that?”

 

“Zack, you are _so_ wrong in thinking that. I fucking miss you. You may as well just not even be here!”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry. You really seemed like you just didn’t wanna talk to anybody. You’ve spent a lot of time in here and in your bunk, so I guess I took that as a way of you saying you wanted to be alone, but now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I know anybody that’s been depressed that doesn’t want people that care about them to tell them that. I’m sorry man, I should’ve been so much better.”

 

“No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t be in such a rut, to be honest. I know it’s pathetic and it’s a useless feeling, but it’s really fucking hard to get out of,” Brendon quietly said.

 

“Well, let’s hope that you getting butt-fucked by your ex today will help,” Zack chuckled.

 

Brendon grinned and rolled his eyes. “Let’s hope.”

 

“So where are you two meeting?”

 

“Oh, that’s what I needed to talk to you about, actually. You see, Ryan and I being seen together in the public eye after all this time? Not exactly going to do wonders for the world. Do you have any advice on the best way we can meet without being seen?” Brendon asked.

 

“Honestly, I think the best way around it is to go to his house. That’s if he still lives in LA?”

 

“Yeah, he does. I guess you’re right. I’ll text him and ask for his address and I’ll get an Uber to his house from the venue.”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” Zack said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoopsies, I had to upload tonight instead of last night because I fell out with my friends and decided to go to sleep super super early so I didn't have to think about it. I'm sorry! But hey, it worked.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. Zack is awesome. He comes across as a dick in the begining of the story, but here we realise that deep down he has good intentions!
> 
> I'm kind of stressing about writing the next chapter because you all know what's coming next and I don't want to disappoint you with the anti-climax of writing it shitly.
> 
> Yes I'm aware shitly isn't a word, but I don't give two shitlys whether it is or isn't.
> 
> I'm sorry, I have way too much fun writing author's notes.
> 
> I love you all so much + thank you for the lovely comments on this fic!
> 
> \- Nicole xx


	6. Chapter 6

Pacing back and fourth outside what was supposedly Ryan Ross’ house, Brendon fiddled with his clammy hands. He could see himself from the clouds; he didn’t like what he could see. He saw nerves alight on his skin. He saw the sweat rolling down the back of his neck, fuelling the fire. He saw himself overcome by uncertainty for the first time in his life. Was this really even him?  
   
“Okay, fuck this. This isn’t right. This isn’t me. Just fucking do it,” he muttered to himself. As he drew in a deep breath, he felt more butterflies soar up to his chest and realised this was more than a ‘’just take a deep breath’ situation. This was more than anything. But he was ready.  
   
His hands slowly melded into the shape of a fist and he knocked on the door three times. Maybe it was too slow. Maybe he wasn’t being lowkey enough. Brendon really wanted his own mind to fuck off.  
   
The door opened and revealed the now-bearded, clear, soft-skinned face of Ryan. After the two of them took in the details of each other, they fell into a teary-eyed hug. Brendon sniffed in Ryan’s scent and the strongest wave of emotion came over him. He had no clue how, but he didn’t cry. Instead, he pulled away and gave Ryan the biggest grin. Ryan’s lips were pursed just a little too tight.  
   
“Are you… are you trying not to cry?” Brendon smiled. He watched intrigued as Ryan nodded and swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing.  
   
“How are you not crying? I’m pretty sure you were always the cry-baby!”  
   
Brendon laughed, “I guess I have no tears left to cry.” He gave Ryan a sad smile.  
   
“God, come in, sorry I should have, uh, said that earlier,” Ryan said, ushering Brendon in.  
   
“Shoes on or shoes off?” Brendon asked as Ryan closed the door behind them.  
   
“I don’t mind, but it’s a nice day out so we can sit in the garden if you want?”  
   
“Yeah, sure,” Brendon said with a bright smile. He couldn’t stop smiling. He began to wonder whether someone had spiked his drink with some next level happy pill, but if happy pills existed, he’d have already overdosed on it.  
   
As they walked through Ryan’s house, Brendon’s eyes bounced around the rooms, admiring the décor. Ryan had clearly acquired a vintage brown aesthetic and a like for animal bones and witchy items. “Sweet place you’ve got,” Brendon commented.  
   
“Thanks. At first, I didn’t like it, but my ex sort of, you know, forced it upon me and, eventually, it grew on me. Now I’m really into the whole vibe, so I guess that’s a good thing,” Ryan said. Brendon hummed in agreement. Once they reached the kitchen, Ryan asked, “Can I get you a drink?”  
   
“Yeah please, dude, what have you got?”  
   
“Uh, let me see…” Ryan opened the fridge “…I’ve got whiskey, I’ve got beer, cola, pineapple juice, water?”  
   
“I’ll have a beer please. Don’t need whiskey to make me all grumpy on my first day of seeing you in a decade,” Brendon laughed.  
   
“Fair enough,” Ryan agreed and got out two bottles of beer. “Do you still smoke?”  
   
“What… weed or cigarettes?” Brendon asked.  
   
“Weed,” Ryan replied.  
   
“Yeah, I haven’t smoked in a while, but yeah usually all the time. Nearly as much as when we were writing Pretty. Odd.,” Brendon chuckled.  
   
“God, those were the days. Yeah, we smoked a lot back then. Do you fancy a joint?”  
   
Brendon thought about it. He hadn’t been in the mood for it for the last month, but really, he hadn’t been in the mood for anything. Now was his chance to break through the aimless brick wall he was building and let himself through it. “Fuck it man, yeah, let’s do it.”  
   
“Awesome.” Ryan smiled. He picked up the beers, two pre-rolled joints and a lighter and they headed out into his back garden.  
   
Brendon felt excitement fizzing in his chest. God, he missed the feeling. They sat on a bench in the sunlight and Ryan lit the joints.  
   
“I remember when we shared joints. Now look at us,” Brendon stated, making the two of them laugh.  
   
He took his first hit and held it in his lungs for a while. As he slowly let the smoke out, Ryan asked him, “you okay?”  
   
Brendon nodded and went straight in for another puff.  
   
“So, tell me, who was this Dallon guy? I swear he was your bassist,” Ryan asked.  
   
A tiny devious grin fell on Brendon’s face, “He was. Turns out I have a thing for members of my own band.”  
   
“Who’d have thought,” Ryan raised his eyebrows in fake-surprise.  
   
Brendon smiled at his joke. “But, no, on a more serious note, it just really wasn’t right, you know? He was all Mormon and annoying and shit. I went in too fast for my feet to catch up. Him and I just weren’t right. Not together.” He shook his head.  
   
“Fair enough.” Ryan nodded and took a hit.  
   
“This is good shit. This is Indica, right? Indica is the fucking best,” Brendon said.  
   
“Oh definitely. I kind of planned ahead once you told me you were coming over. I know all the anxiety benefits Indica has and stuff and I guess I just wanted to help wherever I could…” Ryan trailed off.  
   
“That’s so sweet of you. Thank you,” Brendon replied.  
   
“It’s uh, it’s okay.”  
   
A calming high came over Brendon and he began to roll his shoulders back and relax his posture.  
   
“So, um…” Ryan began hesitantly. “What’s been… what’s been going on lately? What’s up, you know?”  
   
Brendon sighed. “I don’t even know. Nothing has actually happened to set this depressive episode off, but it’s just felt this way ever since tour started. It’s fucked really. Touring is my favourite part of the job, as you know very well and to be overcome by numbness at a time like this really sucks.”  
   
“I’m so sorry you feel that way. And I sure do know how much you love touring, trust me. Now, there’s one thing that I just really hope you remember,” Ryan said.  
   
“And what’s that?” Brendon asked.  
   
“I just need you to remember that line I wrote for you.”  
   
Brendon paused. He knew the line. Brendon slowly began, “I know the world’s a broken bone…”  
   
“But melt your headaches, call it home,” Ryan finished.  
   
“Please kiss me. Oh my god, please kiss me,” Brendon begged. Ryan leaned in and they locked lips. Brendon pulled Ryan even closer, deepening this kiss, bringing in tongue. Ryan held Brendon’s lower back and it felt safe.

They continued making out until their lips were numb and Brendon’s hair was all ruffled. As they pulled away from each other Ryan stared in admiration at Brendon. His lips were so big and red and hydrated. His nose still so beautifully dipped. His eyes were still a deep, glossy, puppy-dog brown. He placed his skinny hand onto Brendon’s and their hearts connected with their hands.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Brendon asked in a low, wobbling voice.

“I, uh, I think so,” Ryan replied in almost the exact same tone.

“I think... I think... I-I,” Brendon stuttered. He lifted his hands from underneath Ryan’s as they began shaking.

“Hey, I got you,” Ryan reassured him and held his hands again. “Breathe,” Ryan told him soothingly.

Determined not to let his poor mental health ruin the moment, he screwed his eyes shut and took a long deep breath. He opened his eyes and said, “I think I want to be with you. I really want to be with you.”

“I think I do too.”

They fell into each other’s arms and Brendon cried into his shoulders.


	7. Chapter 7

Laying still across Ryan’s lap, Brendon intently watched the movie on the TV. After getting high, they crashed on the sofa and got comfortable in each other’s arms, watching Mulholland Drive. It was like old times. “I missed this,” Ryan muttered.

 

Brendon turned his head to face Ryan, “What’s that?” he asked softly.

 

“I said I missed this. I missed this a lot,” he said.

 

Brendon smiled and turned back around to watch the last few minutes of the movie. Once it ended, Ryan shifted underneath him and Brendon got up. “You’ve got to go to the venue now,” Ryan told him, looking at his vintage clock on the wall.

 

“Dude, how the fuck can you even tell the time on that thing,” Brendon said.

 

Ryan smiled and shrugged.

 

The two of them were standing around in Ryan’s living room, looking as though they were about to go somewhere, but were trying to postpone moving for as long as possible.

 

“Ry, I don’t want to go…” Brendon said in his tell-tale low anxious voice.

 

Ryan slowly walked over to him and wrapped his arms round him. Brendon hugged back with his hand around Ryan’s waist, pulling him as close as possible. He wanted to hide from the world. “Brendon, you have to go,” he told him in honesty. They stayed in a silent embrace for a while until Brendon pulled away and looked at Ryan with his big brown eyes, biting his lip, twiddling with his fingers. _Fuck it_ , he told himself. _Ask._

 

“I need to ask you something,” he said, bringing his nails to his teeth and biting them.

 

“What is it?” Ryan asked, unsure whether he should be worried about what Brendon’s about to ask him or whether he’s painting it out to be a bigger deal than it is, which he’s known for doing.

 

“Okay, right,” Brendon sighed out his nerves. “Will you come and finish the tour with me? Like, stay with me on the road?”

 

Ryan raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

“I take it you mean, uh, like, you want me to just come with you, right? Like, not play or anything?” Ryan asked.

 

“Yeah. I guess I just want you to _be_ there. I don’t know man, I feel so happy around you and you make me feel like I’ve got some kind of purpose. We’ve only got a few more shows and one of them is in Vegas. If you came we could go on a date and go to all the places we used to and have dinner at one of the fancy ass placed we could have never afforded before and—I’m going to stop myself now because I’m going a little fast… sorry.”

 

Ryan licked his lips and nodded. “So how many shows have you got left?”

 

“Like… three in America and two in the UK for Reading and Leeds. You know… the ones I got bottled at.”

 

“Oh god, I remember that! They fucking knocked you out, dude. Shit.”

 

Brendon smiled, “That’s the one.”

 

“Right, so I’m coming with you for the rest of the tour?”

 

“You are?” Brendon looked up excitedly.

 

“Well, I don’t see a problem with that.” Ryan winked.

 

“Oh my god, thank you so much.” Brendon gave him a much quicker and happier hug than last time. As he pulled away he said “And don’t worry, we have a spare bunk that you can sleep in.”

 

“Oh no. What a shame it would be if you did not have a bunk for me,” Ryan deadpanned.

 

Brendon chuckled, “Sorry man, you’ll have to get used to it again.”

 

“I’ve spent the last ten years or whatever getting _un_ -used to it,” Ryan groaned.

 

Brendon smiled and shrugged. There was no turning back now. “I think you best start packing, meanwhile I call Zack and let him know that you’re coming with us.”

 

“Please tell me you asked him first,” Ryan said.

 

Biting his lip in a grin, Brendon shook his head.

 

“You fucking idiot,” Ryan sighed as he walked through the door and headed upstairs.

 

“I’m _your_ fucking idiot now, though,” Brendon called out to him.

 

Ryan shook his head with the biggest shit-eating grin now plastered in his face.

 

“I don’t have to see your face to know that you can’t wipe that smile off of your face right now,” Brendon shouted and laughed.

 

“Fuck off liar,” Ryan shouted and trailed off into a laugh.

 

Brendon sighed happily and pulled out his phone from the pocket of his jeans. He dialled for Zack and after a few Rings Zack answered.

 

“Hey Bren, is everything okay?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m good. Great actually, thanks!”

 

“That’s really good to hear,” Zack said sincerely.

 

“So… you know how we have a spare bunk?” Brendon began.

 

“I think I know where this is going,” Zack said.

 

“Yeah, well… I was thinking Ryan could stay with us? Just for the end of tour.”

 

“God, right, okay…” Zack sighed and Brendon could just imagine him screwing his face up and rubbing his eyes, “Typically, I would say absolutely fucking not, considering the lack of notice you’ve given me, however we do have the spare bunk and we’ve only got a few more shows left.”

 

“So that’s a yes?” Brendon asked.

 

“Yes,” Zack sighed.

 

“Thank you so, so much Zack. Dude, you’re the fucking best. Do you know how glad I am we’re okay with each other again? Honestly, I respect you so much.”

 

“Okay, okay, calm down. Just ‘cause you got what you wanted,” Zack teased.

 

“No! It’s not just that,” Brendon insisted. “I swear dude, I fucking love you. You’re literally my best friend. I’ve been meaning to say this to you, that’s all.”

 

Zack laughed. “Okay, well I’ll see you guys soon. Do not be late. You’ve got half an hour to get to the venue, so you better call an Uber now after I hang up.”

 

“I will,” Brendon said.

 

“Oh, and try to pick a driver that seems unlikely to be a fan if you can.”

 

“Trust me, I’ll go to extreme lengths to avoid it,” Brendon assured him.

 

“Okay, see you later.”

 

“Bye.”


	8. Chapter 8

Sat in the taxi, Brendon nervously glanced over at Ryan and looked away before Ryan could say anything. He took his clammy hands and wiped them on on jeans, sighing. No relief came of it. He still felt like every nerve on his body was close to being set on fire.

 

Ryan looked up from his phone and gave Brendon a few glances too because he seemed on edge. He didn’t say anything, though. He didn’t want to push him _over_ the edge.

 

 _You’ve made a big fucking mistake,_ he told himself. _You’ve just fucked up your whole life in the matter of a few minutes._

The Uber driver pulled up outside the front of the venue and Brendon’s heart sank. Endless redundant ideas on how to avoid this situation flew around against the walls of his brain. He cleared his throat and said, “would you mind… driving round the back to where the tour bus is parked?”

 

“Excuse me?” the 50-year-old lady turned around and asked with her glasses fallen down to he nose. She inspected them and asked, “sorry, do you work here? I thought you were here for a concert.”

 

“We’re, um, well… I’m in the band that’s playing tonight. Panic! At The Disco,” Brendon told her.

 

Brendon was behaving extremely out of character. He always spoke with conviction, but right now he sounded so unsure of himself. Ryan stepped in and said, “Yeah, we can get you on the phone to our manager if you’d like. We need to call him for the password to get through to the stage door anyway.”

 

“Oh no, that’s okay, it’s alright. You’d better call him for that password though,” she said and turned around to continue driving again.

 

“Right, I’ll call Zack now,” Brendon said quietly to Ryan.

 

He clicked Zack’s number in the recent section and it started calling. _Oh my god, what if I don’t know what to say,_ he worried. At this point, he’d overthought pretty much everything and there was no way he could avoid having a panic attack in the next few hours.

 

“Hey, are you on your way?” Zack answered the phone, interrupting Brendon’s thoughts.

 

“What, oh, hey. Yeah,” Brendon replied gathering his thoughts and bringing his attention to Zack.

 

“Good. I take it you’re calling for the PIN number to get through the private car park.”

 

“Yeah please.”

 

“It’s 1-9-2-8.”

 

“Shit, wait, I’m going to forget. Let me just write it down.” Brendon gestured to Ryan that he needed his phone so Ryan hesitantly handed it over to him. He went into Ryan’s notes and added a new one with the pin number. “1-9-2-8, right?”

 

“Yup,” Zack said.

 

“Cool, got it. See you soon.”

 

“Bye,” Zack hung up.

 

Brendon handed Ryan’s phone back to him and said with an awkward upside-down grin, “sorry, that was a little rude of me.”

 

“It’s alright,” Ryan laughed, “I’ve got nothing to hide anyway. Unless you judge people that spend their entire life on just Instagram and nothing else?”

 

“Nope. I’m a judge-free guy.” Brendon smiled.

 

“Excuse me,” the lady began, “what is the code to get through?”

 

Brendon quickly shot a look at Ryan. Ryan had already forgotten too. “Uh, one sec, sorry,” Ryan said. He fumbled with his phone and tried to unlock it, but his fingerprint decided not to work. He quickly typed in his password and opened his notes. “1-9-2-8.”

 

She typed in the code and, soon enough, they were driving forward again.

 

Brendon sneaked a look over at Ryan and burst out giggling.

 

“What?” Ryan asked with a huge grin.

 

“You’re just really funny,” Brendon said, wiping his eyes, pulling himself together.

 

Ryan looked at him confused, but just said, “Well, uh, thank you, I guess…”

 

Brendon shook his head smiling as they pulled up right by the back entrance. “Thank you, madam,” he said as they let themselves out of the car.

 

“That’s okay, have fun at your show, boys.”

 

Ryan grabbed his belongings. They closed the car doors and walked up to the entrance. There was another keypad next to it to unlock the door. Ryan assumed that it would be the same as the first pin, so he typed in 1-9-2-8 and a beep sound confirmed the door had unlocked. He opened the door for Brendon and said, “After you.” They both smiled.

 

“And now let’s see where the party is,” Brendon sighed as they walked through the corridor. They came across a room with a sign that read ‘dressing room one’ and Brendon shrugged and walked in.

 

“Hey! Look who’s here!” Dan exclaimed from the other side of the room.

 

“Hey dude,” Brendon replied with a wave. Him and Ryan went straight over to Zack. “Yo, Zack,” he said.

 

Zack turned around, “Oh hey! Ryan, nice to see you!” He pulled him in for a hug.

 

“You too, buddy. You doing good?” Ryan asked.

 

Zack pulled away and said, “Yeah, I’m great thanks. Mr. Bossman Urie here isn’t causing me _too_ much trouble.” Brendon rolled his eyes and nudged Zack in the stomach, not that Zack could really even feel that since he was made of stone or something. “How about you, how are you doing?” he asked.

 

Ryan nodded. “I’m great, yeah. Doing well, actually,” he told him truthfully.

 

“That’s really great to hear,” Zack replied just as sincerely. “So, I hear you’re coming with us to finish tour. How much persuading did it take for Brendon to finally get you to crack.”

 

“It took less than it should have,” Ryan said shaking his head.

 

“Same here,” Zack laughed. “Hey, why don’t you go and introduce yourself to the band? I mean, I’m sure they know who you are since they play your songs, but you’re going to be seeing each other a lot for the next few days, so maybe get to know each other?” he suggested.

 

“Yeah, of course. Yeah, I’ll go do that. Brendon, are you coming with?” Brendon’s eyes were drooping, glued to the wall. Behind them was nothing; no thoughts; no inner dialogue. Completely zoned out. “Um, Brendon?” Ryan repeated louder. No response. “Brendon.”

 

Brendon jolted, “shit, what?”

 

Ryan gave a worried glance at Zack.

 

“You just completely zoned out, are you okay?” Zack said in serious tone.

 

“Fuck, sorry.”

 

“It’s alright,” Ryan stepped in, “I was going to introduce myself to your band. Is that okay with you?”

 

“Yeah, totally. Come on then,” Brendon said and took Ryan’s hand, holding it tight. They walked over to Kenny first, who seemed to be sat on the floor in the corner of the room, tuning up an acoustic guitar. As they reached him Brendon greeted him, saying, “Hey Kenny, what’s up?”

 

“Oh, hey!” he replied and stood up. “You must be Ryan, of course. I’m Kenny.” He smiled and held a hand out. Ryan let go of Brendon’s hand to shake Kenny’s.

 

“Nice to meet you,” Ryan said. “I’ve heard some great things about you from Brendon.”

 

Kenny chuckled, “you have? Well that’s nice to hear! I’ve heard some fantastic things about you too. I’ve been meaning to compliment you on the guitar licks and riffs for That Green Gentleman. Brendon doesn’t really let me play that song anymore, but when he did it was always a treat.” He laughed and winked at Brendon.

 

“I promise you that my crew do actually like me. We just rip the shit out of each other a lot,” Brendon told Ryan.

 

“I believe you Brendon, don’t worry,” he laughed. “And thank you Kenny, that’s nice of you to say.”

 

“No problem, man.”

 

“Well, I look forward to spending the next few days with you. Now I’ve got to go and introduce myself to Brendon’s other bandmates. Catch you later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these two are absolute flirts with each other. i love them.
> 
> get ready for some dramz, people because oh n-n-no, no this isn't how the story endsss.
> 
> -nicole xx


	9. Chapter 9

“Did I do okay introducing myself to everyone?” Ryan asked Brendon as he lit a cigarette, stood outside the bus. It was just the two of them, using the last couple minutes before the bus had to take off to the next state.

 

“Yeah, you did great! Trust me, y’all will get on great. They’re honestly amazing people. They’re people people, you know? I made sure of that when I was hiring them.”

 

“Okay, cool. Yeah that’s good.” Ryan took a drag.

 

“I see you picked up a nasty habit while I was away,” Brendon noted.

 

“Yeah,” Ryan sighed, “and I see you managed to kick yours.”

 

“Yeah. I decided I didn’t want to fuck up my voice. I guess I can’t exactly hit them Freddie Mercury high notes singing Bohemian Rhapsody when my lungs are filled with tar.”

 

“Good on you,” Ryan said. “I don’t know if I’ll be quitting any time soon.” He shrugged and took one last drag. After putting it out and stepping on it, he gave Brendon a simple smile. Brendon looked up happily into Ryan’s eyes with a glimmer and leaned in to lock lips in a kiss.

 

“Let’s go in now,” Brendon said and they, hand in hand, proceeded to walk up the steps and into the bus.

 

-

 

Not long after they got on the bus after the show, Brendon had fallen asleep in his bunk, completely exhausted.

 

The next morning, he gently stirred awake without a hangover for the first time in way too long. The thudding headache had finally fled from his poor forehead. The tension had melted away. He calmly closed his eyelids and took a few minutes to meditate on how he was feeling, taking slow breaths, cold and refreshing, deep in his chest.

 

As he opened his eyes, he rolled straight out of his bunk and stood against them all, stretching and yawning.

 

He headed through to the sofa room where everybody was.

 

Ryan looked up as Brendon walked through and raised his eyebrows in greeting and said, “hey, you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m good. Slept real well. You?”

 

“Good. Yeah I’m good. You slept in a long time. You used to wake up at, like, the crack of fucking dawn. What happened?” Ryan chuckled.

 

“Uhhh, I don’t know either. I’ve been getting up really late this whole tour,” Brendon said hesitantly, not wanting to dampen the mood with his depressive episode.

 

“Ah okay.” Ryan nodded to show his understanding and gave him a sympathetic smile.

 

“Anyway, who’s excited for Vegas today!” Brendon called out, resulting in an eruption of enthusiastic cheers. “That’s what I like to hear,” he chimed.


	10. Chapter 10

_We’re like ghosts in this town, floating through the streets that we used to call our own._

 

_We don’t belong; these are no longer our people. We get that, but we can’t help ourselves. With every step, a memory shoots up through our veins from our feet all the way to our heads.With every step, a new place flashes into my mind. We need to go here. We need to go there. We need to go everywhere. Our feet must cover the whole surface area of this damn town before I can even bat an eyelid at the idea of leaving._

 

_I look over at Ryan. I look at his styled hair, his brown eyes, his lips, his beard. I look back at his lips. I stop walking and pull him in for a kiss. A slow, sinful kiss stood in the middle of the Vegas strip is exactly what I need right now. As we deepen the kiss with our tongues, I hear him softly grunt. “I need you right now,” I tell him._

 

_“I need you too,” he says. Fuck._

 

_“C’mon then, let’s go find a hotel. Can’t be caught fucking on the streets although I’d absolutely love to fuck you right here and right now. It’d be thrilling, actually.” I feel my dick grow harder with every word I speak to him._

 

_“God, let’s go,” he urges._

 

_We head straight to the nearest hotel which is The Cromwell. As we walk through the double doors, I realise that if anyone were to look down at our waists, they’d know exactly why we’re here booking a room for two with one bed for one night. Ryan asks the lady behind the counter for exactly that and before he can pay for it, I reach into my pocket for my wallet and pay for us. Once I hand over the money, she hands me the keys in return and tells us “Room 18.”_

 

_Ryan’s too horny to even argue and insist that he must pay right now. We both want it so bad. It’s been too long. I need him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double post for you all today because I missed the last 3 update dates! Sorry about that! I had a major lack of motivation and wasn’t sure how to start writing a new chapter.
> 
> This chapter is in Brendon’s point of view as you probably gathered. I felt like this chapter would be best coming from his perspective because I could make it a little more descriptive rather than “and they went to this place and then they did that and that made them happy and they did blah blah blah etc”.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed.
> 
> \- Nicole xx


	11. Chapter 11

“You’re amazing,” Brendon whispered breathlessly to Ryan as he looked up at him with glistening eyes, linking arms, walking out of the hotel.

 

“No Brendon, you’re fucking amazing,” Ryan argued, looking down at him sternly. “Seriously, how have you gotten so good? You’re a fucking power bottom now!”

 

“Hey! I was good when we were together before, meanie.” Brendon frowned at him.

 

“I know _that_ , but I’m saying that you’ve gotten even better now,” Ryan told him truthfully.

 

“Well, thank you then, I guess.” Brendon grinned. “If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure the reason I became a power bottom is because Dallon was pretty lousy in the bed. Someone had to spice it up.” He rolled his eyes and bit back a grin.

 

“Brendon! Oh my god! Ryan!” called out a girl trying to walk over as calmly as possible, with shakes of both nerves and excitement breaking through.

 

“Oh... hey!” Brendon plastered a small fake smile on his face and gulped. Ryan smiled too, a little more genuine than Brendon’s. “Are you a fan?” he asked with a wobble to his voice. It was pretty obvious she was a fan.

 

“Of course! I love your work so much; both of you. I even have Take A Vacation framed in my room.” She looked at Ryan and beamed. “Can I get a picture?”

 

Brendon froze. “Um… I’m really sorry, but I don’t think we can. Uh, Ryan and I don’t really want to be seen together for rumours sake, you know? I’m sure you can understand?” he asked wearily.

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. I get that.” Her face sunk and the nerves in her body fizzled out.

 

“But hey,” Ryan grabbed her attention quickly, “you can get our autographs if you would like?”

 

“Yeah, totally.” She looked up and smiled—not as bright as before, but still happy enough. “Let me just get a pen out of my bag and you can sign my shirt, if that’s okay? I’m lucky I chose white today, else I would have nothing else for you to sign! I would have had to resort to y’all signing my forehead!”

 

Ryan chuckled at the girl and Brendon forced a quick smile that fell straight from his face after a few milliseconds.

 

“Here! I have a pen.” She passed it over to Ryan first.

 

Ryan signed the shirt and tapped Brendon who seemed lost, looking away and fiddling with his hands. “Oh, what? Oh.” Brendon took the pen and slowly realised he should be signing the shirt. He scribbled on his signature and handed the pen back to the girl.

 

“Thank you so much. I’ll leave you two be now!” she said politely.

 

“No problem, have a nice day,” Ryan said.

 

“You too,” the girl replied finally, walking away.

 

Once she was out of sight, they started walking again, in a deadly silence this time. Every so often, a sharp irregular breath could be heard from Brendon—a tell-tale sign that he was about to have an attack. Brendon knew that it was coming on. It was like the deadly hot sun was spinning its way into his sight, ready to scorch and blind him. “I think I need to, I need, uh… to go,” Brendon said between his quickening breaths.

 

“Yeah, I think you do,” Ryan said, guiding him to a bench to sit down.

 

“No, not here. It’s not safe,” he cried.

 

“Why is it not safe?”

 

“I can’t be seen. I can’t.” He excessively shook his head.

 

Ryan sighed, “come here then,” and took him into the nearest alleyway. “Better?” he asked.

 

With a straining face of struggle and pain, Brendon nodded and leant against the wall. He tilted his head back and interrupted his hyperventilating by holding his breath. He held it in for as long as he could and let it sit there in his chest, killing off the nerves. As he let go, a huge gasp came over him, but he managed to slow it down, by eventually evening it all out.

 

Once the feeling of panic subsided, he dropped his shoulders and rubbed his eyes, determined not to cry.

 

“Listen Brendon,” Ryan began. Brendon had forgotten that Ryan was even there. Ryan said absolutely nothing to him throughout that whole attack. “I’m finding it really hard to find sympathy for you right now.”

 

 Brendon gulped and swallowed the tears back from growing in his eyes. He stood silent, allowing Ryan to continue.

 

“You’re scared. You’re so fucking scared. You always have been and here we are again. History is really starting to repeat itself, Brendon.”

 

“I know; I’m sorry,” he replied, as quiet as a little mouse. Brendon knew as soon as he spoke that his words were helpless.

 

Ryan sighed. “Get comfortable because I have a few words.”

 

Brendon blinked.

 

“Girls/Girls/Boys. Awesome song. Awesome meaning. Even _more_ awesome project that the fans have made for it. When I was watching you out there from the left wing of that stage last night, I felt something that I hadn’t quite felt before. It was beautiful. And your speech, oh god your speech. It touched me. You make that speech every night?” Ryan asked.

 

“Yeah,” Brendon replied sheepishly, wondering where this was going.

 

“I’m being very genuine with you right now, okay? You said exactly what needed to be said. It was perfect. What you said also gave me a glimmer of hope that you’d changed. Not as a person because I love you just how you are, but I mean changed in the way that you’re not scared to _love who you fucking love_ , in your words. But Brendon, after that fan encounter, that feeling of relief has been crushed. You need to start practicing what you preach and walking the walk as well as talking the talk, else I’m gone. I can’t live like this. I can’t love you like this.”

 

Brendon stood staring at the wall and reflecting in silence for a while. “Okay.” He looked up at Ryan bravely. “Okay.”

 

“Okay what?” Ryan said.

 

“Okay I’ll stop hiding us. This time it’ll be different.” He sighed. “I’m realising now that this time it _has_ to be different because last time it didn’t work out. And anyway, fuck trying to keep my career; it’s almost over anyway. I’m getting _old_ , dude.” Brendon laughed.

 

“Well… I mean you have got six albums out now. Surely _that’s_ enough to pay our rent for the rest of our lives.”

 

“True. And hey, the kids are calling it ‘twenty-gayteen’ this year, so I think we’re safe for now. If anything, we might get _more_ love for coming out. We might save gay culture.” Brendon couldn’t help but smile. “Fuck it, let’s do this.” He wrapped his hand in Ryan’s and held it tight as they walked out onto the street for everyone to see. No more secrets. Real, full love. The black figure fled from Brendon and the void inside of him was filled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read, gave kudos and left such loving, motivating comments. Your're all so beautiful and I love you.
> 
> \- Nicole xx


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